BATON ROUGE, La. – The Louisiana Department of Education today released updated reports on the progress of technology readiness by messenger pigeon for the sake of irony. ALEC, the American Legislative Exchange Council, instructed Jindal on an excellent plan to save money – by fully digitized our public school children by 2014-2015. This plan is expected to be even more cost-effective that virtual charter schools and Louisiana actually expects to be able to make money on this venture by 2015. This will allow Louisiana to provide tax rebates to corporations and individuals making in excess of 10 million dollars a year – to continue with the creation of additional high paying jobs overseas, and the creation of jobs domestically in the rapidly growing ass-wiping and food tasting service industries.
State Superintendent John White said, “Every public school child deserves to be digitized. We believe students achieve high standards, so long as we lower the actual standards and re-label them as “high.” Additionally, we have seen that digitizing people is possible from movies such as Max Headroom and the Lawnmower Man - and those movies are pretty old. The Department will continue to support districts in their efforts by providing quality, affordable technology options for digitizing their children and up-to-date information to make certain that 100 percent of our districts are prepared to digitize 110% of their kids. Our ultimate goal is to make certain that our public students are workforce ready. With that goal in mind we intend to ensure your kids are easily uploadable into industrial machinery or other tools and gadgets that can be found at Harbor Freight or Brookstone.
Districts and schools have worked to upgrade and enhance the technology available to digitize their children through everyday “classroom devices“, like meat grinders, sewing machines, and stone crushers. 82,754 devices meet the new standards, an increase from 67,038 six months ago. Both of those are big numbers. Districts now only need to purchase an additional 14,913 devices, down from 37,000 in July, which are also big, overly specific numbers meant to impress with our unnecessary preciseness.
Several districts have made notable gains in digitalizing readiness:
- Plaquemines Parish. Only 1 school was digitally ready in July 2012, now all 8 schools meet the recommended standards. Their students are now gainfully employed running elevators and mixing machines. Fancy ones.
- Concordia. All 10 schools meet the recommended standards, up from only 1 in July 2012. Their students are earmarked for fully electricalized magic eight balls. (No shaking and turning required!)
- City of Monroe. All 19 schools have been digitized. Their kids now control programmable refrigerators, alarm clocks, and Forman grills.
Districts will continue to submit data on new devices or upgrades to current technology throughout the process of becoming digitizing ready by the 2014-2015 school year.
Non-Public schools are exempted from this ambitious goal. ALEC believes it is important that we groom some of our children to actually purchase all of these new, student implanted, devices.
Louisiana Believes – in Digitizing