A Letter From John “Ivory Tower” White – Superintendent of Education for Louisiana’s Schools

An open letter from John White to the teachers and parents (aka dumb asses) in Louisiana:

Louisiana teachers and parents, get your heads out of your collective fat asses.  It’s obvious that you are too obsessed with “adult issues” like salaries, jobs, and schools for your children, when we should be focusing on “children” (not yours, but the children of the CEOs running the for profit education companies.)

You don’t see me whining about the piddling 275,000 a year salary – which is all you hayseeds could cough up.  I’m used to New York money – that’s what we pay our cabbies in New York.  I’ve had to take on “faith” that all the education corporations will give me juicy kickbacks and appointments when I leave this hell-hole of a state (in much worse shape than I found it.)  That’s what you’ve cretins have reduced me to, faith; that my true master will properly compensate me for selling you out.  There’s probably a finite limit to the number of places i can turn upside-down while yielding no credible gains and pretty soon it will be clear I’ve turned you into a bunch of knuckle dragging monkeys (I believe in devolution, just not evolution.)

Just look how they greeted my departure in New York so consider yourself lucky i felt you were worthy of my time.

Anyways, back to the children.  My extensive inexperience in teaching, and actually listening to educators and researchers, has allowed me to develop an untested model for improving and impoverishing education.  This model has sprung – fully grown – from my bizarrely bushy chiaesque head-stuff and required absolutely no research on my part to design!  If you object to any small part of my plan, that makes you an obstructionist and a member of the “coalition of the status quo.”  Quo is bad.  Questioning is bad. They just learned (or is that unlearned?) that in Texas.  Unproven for-profit ALEC sponsored corporate models are good.  Religious schools are all good, especially ones that teach with biblical DVD’s because God watches over them so they do not need testing or oversight. . .  but not Muslim Gods or any religions with gods that approve of gays. (Sorry Unitarians)

I’d also like you to drop those pesky lawsuits.  I mean, lets face it, you have some valid points like how the legislature approved the MFP on the last day of the session with just a majority of legislators present (and not a full majority.  I can’t wait till you guys start calling votes during midnight sessions to ram through controversial legislation with.  That will look great on the Daily Show!)   If you would just pretend to care about children, like I do, you would see that we should just overlook the fact that the funding for MFP is constitutionally dedicated to public schools and we never made an attempt to get a constitutional amendment before the people of Louisiana.

Why didn’t we?

Well, because we knew that would fail and your children (hypothetical children that learn best in this education system ALEC. . .  err, I mean, I’m proposing) can’t wait for you to decide what’s best for them!  Well, except when it comes to random schools that teach kids with DVDs.  Then you do understand whats best for your kids, as long as the DVDs have christian elements and skirt that controversial “evolution” issue.  No Muslim DVDs because everyone hates Muslims. .  almost as much as the gay kids.  That’s why I strongly support the Reverend Gene Mills in trying to get a bill passed that will make bullying gay kids a top priority for your state!  (I’d be in favor bullying out your immigrants too, but they prefer more developed places like Alabama and Mexico to Louisiana.)

So get over your adult issues, Louisiana.  Your stupid constitution, your stupid insistence on voting  for things rather than having decrees handed down from your betters,  your stupid “actual” children that will suffer under my reign of ignorance, and get with the program!

If you just do what i say, I’ll make the numbers looks good.   Trust me.  We’re not actually collecting any real data anymore, so i can make them look however I want!

That will make me look good, and your legislators look good, and allow Jindal to escape this hell-hole too.  And besides, when I’m through, your children will be too ignorant to understand what happened.

PS.  I’ve heard Jindal has another couple of chicken processing plants ready to go.  My number one priority now is to make sure your children are prepared for a lifetime of chicken.

Louisiana Believes

in

One love.

Eeat mor ChikeN